joy of abundance

Also, you know this sudden feeling that you are floating on a bed of feathers, swimming in “hefty abundance” feeling secure, safe, with nothing to worry about… I used to have this feeling when my dad would come from his long journeys to Europe, with fat oversized chocolate bars of all shades of brown, off-white milky chocolate, and creamy nutty luscious special sweets that you could not purchase locally? This feeling of being special visits me now ever so rarely; it comes and escapes me so fast; I see it fainting away. I try to follow it, but it runs away through the corner of that old humid smelling alleyway behind our building… I try to catch the last spark of it on the left side of our long balcony where as children we used to peek at those mysterious neighbors whose dad, we were told was a pilot… and also would appear in their house every so often..

Recently I felt this kind of special when I got invited to an unusual lunch at some relatives’ house on a weekday, while working people were at work; their house is quite exceptional, a carrier of old wealth everywhere… Classic paintings that you would assume belong to museums mounted those walls.. not white walls, nor off white.. but a wall color that is probably now labeled as discontinued..

I started to enjoy this feeling in secret now, for I had been conditioned to consider this kind of life only to be for the privileged unworthy “lazies”; and as a responsible being, you ought to refrain from enjoying it and instead, feel sorry for those who don’t have access to it, so I was told, as a “priviledged” child; a conflict that my optimistic counselor hopes to resolve. I was conditioned not to enjoy luxurious rudiments of life.. and to think of them as classified blasphemy type of pleasures.

I get glimpses of this kind of happy sweet security sometimes with my kids. I foresee that they will save me from this automatic now unwanted resentment; I want them to feel those feathers, and to feel them abundantly. I silently promise them a feathery future. I will fight for them to enjoy it; I hope when I have to defend them I would be on an up day.. not in my erratic abyss in the underdown. Help me feathers… for I have sinned..