so what happened exactly?

When I am angry, or regretting something I did or said, I try to rerun the episode in my head, each time trying to make it more and more forgivable, that is, in my favor. I do many negotiations, bringing up past behavior, tweaking and rectifying what instantaneously became a memory. I witness the story converging to an acceptable forgiven state, as if I am not the subject anymore. But at the same time, I can see that I am lying to myself, for I am my own lawyer, so I blame myself while accusing myself. What an exhausting yoyo of perception and redemption, that leaves me confused, victim and guilty  at once. I get tired of these grey colors, and wish not to be asked to narrate the event again.. For no narration is stable … as if I saw it in so many lenses. I can defend all my images, but at the same time, not happy with winning the case.. I want to delete it all…